What Attachment Trauma Actually Looks Like in Adulthood
No, you’re not dramatic or broken. And no, you’re not just “bad at relationships.”
But something keeps happening, and your system is clocking that. You pull back when someone gets too close. You feel a spike of anxiety when a text goes unanswered. You replay conversations long after they’re over, wondering if you said too much (or not enough). And even though you’re capable, successful, and grounded in most areas of your life, there’s a quiet, persistent fear underneath it all: maybe I’m too much. Maybe I’m not enough. Maybe loving me is harder than it should be. Maybe that’s my fault.
Many people chalk this up to personality or “just how relationships are,” but often, this feeling is something deeper and quieter that masquerades as attachment trauma.
“Many people assume this is just how adulthood works,” says Lexi Haft, MHC-LP, an associate therapist at Every Body Therapy, who specializes in attachment trauma, self-esteem, anxiety, and mind-body connection . “But often, these patterns trace back to early attachment experiences that shaped how safe connection feels in the body.”
What even is attachment trauma?
Attachment trauma often develops when a child grows up without consistent emotional safety or stability, and more often than not, it isn’t obvious. It’s not only about overt neglect, chaos, or abuse. It can also look like:
having a caregiver who was loving and attuned one moment and distant or unavailable the next
taking on too much responsibility early on, or learning to act as though you didn’t need support
keeping your feelings to yourself because they weren’t understood, welcomed, or responded to
performing, pleasing, or shrinking yourself to maintain closeness or approval
These experiences shape how you come to understand yourself and others. Over time, they become the blueprint your nervous system uses to assess safety, connection, and worth, often outside of conscious awareness.
How attachment trauma shows up in adulthood
Attachment trauma often becomes more visible in adulthood, particularly in close relationships. You might notice yourself pulling away when things start to feel serious, feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, or shutting down during conflict. You may feel drawn to people who can’t fully show up for you, struggle to name your needs, or stay hyperaware of shifts in tone, attention, or closeness.
These patterns aren’t flaws or failures. They’re protective strategies that your younger self learned to stay safe.
“The issue isn’t that they formed,” Lexi says, “but that they continue operating long after the original environment has changed.”
The impact on self-worth
Self-worth isn’t built solely through achievement. It’s shaped by how you learned to be seen, held, and valued early in life. That’s why attachment wounds are so often intertwined with self-esteem struggles in adulthood. At its core, self-worth isn’t just about confidence; it’s about safety.
When emotional safety is inconsistent or altogether missing, you may internalize beliefs like: love has to be earned, my needs are too much, I’ll be abandoned if I’m fully myself, or my value depends on what I do rather than who I am.
“Over time, these beliefs become an inner critic that treats worth like a performance,” Lexi says. “Your sense of value can start to feel conditional and fragile, even when things look ‘fine’ from the outside.”
Therapy can help interrupt this cycle. Lexi explains that working with a therapist “helps peel back these old narratives so you can reconnect to the worth that’s already yours.”
Healing happens in the body, not just the mind
Insight alone rarely changes attachment patterns. Even when you understand where your reactions come from, your body may still respond as if it’s protecting a younger version of you. That’s why healing often requires more than talking. It requires helping the nervous system experience safety in real time.
In therapy, this can look like:
getting curious about patterns rather than judging them
learning to notice emotions before they turn into overwhelm or shutdown
building tolerance for closeness at a pace that feels manageable and real
practicing expressing needs, even when it feels uncomfortable
reconnecting with the body to understand what safety actually feels like
softening the inner critic and tending to the parts of you that had to grow up too fast
experiencing consistency in the therapeutic relationship, which helps the nervous system learn a new model of safety
“Healing attachment trauma isn’t about becoming a new person,” Lexi says. “It’s about returning to the parts of you that never had the chance to be supported. The process is slow, steady, and deeply meaningful.”
Working with Lexi
If this resonates, Lexi Haft, MHC-LP, works with adults navigating attachment trauma, chronic illness, anxiety, self-esteem, and the emotional impact of living in a body that has required adaptation. Her approach is relational, body-aware, and grounded, focused on helping clients build safety from the inside out.
Lexi is currently accepting new individual therapy clients and sees clients in person in Midtown East and the Financial District offices, as well as virtually.
She also facilitates an ongoing chronic illness therapy group, offering a space for connection, processing, and support for people navigating the psychological and relational impact of chronic health conditions.
If you’re curious about working with Lexi, whether individually or in a group setting, you can schedule a consultation to explore whether her approach feels like the right fit. You don’t need to have the right language or a clear diagnosis to begin. Sometimes the starting point is simply recognizing that something familiar no longer feels sustainable and wanting it to feel different.
