How to Help Kids Build Healthy Body Image: The Role of Parents, Food, and Intuition
We aren’t born thinking that chocolate chip cookies are “bad” or that we have to move our bodies just to “look good.” In fact, we aren’t born with any morality attached to food, bodies, or anything for that matter. We learn to think that way over time as we try to meet unrealistic body ideals set forth by social media and diet culture, which has a long history of disguising these harmful beliefs about food and movement as “wellness.”
But now more than ever, children and teens are bearing the brunt of these misleading claims and are struggling to develop healthy relationships with food and their bodies, says Danielle Konsky, LMHC, an Every Body Therapy associate therapist who works with children, adolescents, and adults on the disordered eating spectrum.
Impossible body standards pushed by (often highly edited) social media posts can be especially harmful for children and teens who are just beginning to develop their sense of self and body image. Realizing they don’t look like their favorite influencer, for example, can set the stage for disordered eating habits as they attempt to fit in and boost their self-esteem.
The growing use of weight loss medications — particularly among people who don’t need them for health purposes, and especially among kids’ own parents — also adds fuel to the fire, sending confusing messages to children about how they may “need” to alter their bodies to meet society’s expectations.
Further, fatphobia tells these kids that if they don’t make their body a self-improvement project, or do so and then “fail” (as is the case with diets), they are at risk of dying or developing illnesses. Most, if not all, studies on the subject only go as far as to suggest correlation, meaning there’s no proof that one thing, such as a particular diet, causes another, such as weight fluctuations.
The relationship between food and body image is complicated, to say the least, but there’s one approach to managing it called “intuitive eating” that has been found to be particularly helpful.
Here’s what to know about the anti-diet approach and how it can help prevent and treat disordered eating.
First, what is disordered eating?
Disordered eating is an umbrella term that refers to a variety of challenging behaviors and attitudes about food, weight, and appearance. And like most things, it exists on a spectrum, which can make it hard to recognize, especially in childhood and adolescence.
Some of the main signs of disordered eating include:
Constantly trying new “trendy” diets or supplements
Skipping meals or limiting how much you consume to avoid perceived “overeating”
Feeling guilt or shame after eating
Exercising just to “burn off” or “earn” your meals and snacks
Feeling like you’re “out of control” after eating something “unhealthy”
Anxiety around certain foods and social situations
Although the conditions share similar symptoms, disordered eating is not the same as an eating disorder. The latter is much more persistent, severe, and disabling than the former, and includes conditions such as, and certainly not limited to, anorexia, orthorexia, bulimia, and binge-eating disorder. You can read more about them here.
Just keep in mind that either scenario can manifest itself in many different ways, and can affect some people more than others, including BIPOC, queer people, and those with medical conditions that impact weight or are highly stigmatized and seen from a fatphobic lens. For example, high blood pressure, heart disease, PCOS, and diabetes are all very stigmatized and seen as avoidable only for fat people.
Trauma, chronic illness, and injury can also lead to disordered eating among people of any age or identity.
How kids and teens can develop disordered eating
“Kids are like sponges,” Danielle says, absorbing everything around them, both the good and the bad. This means that a child can quickly and easily learn that their worth is attached to their body based on their interactions with classmates, friends, and, yes, even their parents.
Although you may have little control over what happens at school, you do have a better handle on what happens at home. And in a lot of cases, you may not even realize that the things you’re doing or saying are teaching them to fear food and the effects it can have on their bodies.
Some examples include:
Looking in the mirror and saying out loud that you hate how your jeans make your legs look
Saying no to dessert as the rest of your family enjoys it because you’ve “already had too many calories for the day”
Telling your child to finish their plate even though they said they’re full
Forcing your kid who can’t stomach vegetables to eat them anyway because “they’re healthy”
Although they’re well-intentioned, these behaviors can teach your child that food needs to be controlled and that it can impact their bodies, health, and self-image for the worse.
Over time, the shame they develop around food can trigger self-destructive behaviors as they try to cope with their feelings or punish themselves for their shortcomings. It’s a damaging cycle that can spiral out of control and potentially lead to the development of an eating disorder that may be harder to treat.
The key, Danielle says, is to recognize and compassionately intervene on these thoughts and behaviors as early as possible. And that’s where intuitive eating can help.
What’s intuitive eating, and how can I implement it at home?
Intuitive eating is about listening to your body and eating what feels good at any given moment. It’s about tuning into the cues it gives you, like, say, a growling stomach, and responding to them without judgement or restriction.
Think about a baby. As soon as they realize they’re hungry, they ask for food, eat, and then stop when they’re full. They’re trusting and respecting their body to do what it needs to stay healthy. We don’t withhold their food because we feel the baby has had enough, nor do we force feed them because we believe in “no empty plates.” We respect the baby to tell us the cues, and we respect ours and doctors' opinions when those cues seem off, which can signal a potential medical issue.
More than that, intuitive eating is about rejecting diet culture and recognizing that restriction does not lead to a stable, healthy relationship with food or your body. This means letting go of the idea that foods are “good” or “bad,” and accepting the reality that every body is different, and therefore needs different things to function. We also need to see food separate from morality — “I need to be good today because I was bad yesterday”, or “Apples are better than chips”, etc.
So, yes, intuitive eating is about eating what you want when you want it — but in order to be effective, it must be guided by physical hunger cues (e.g. stomach pain, low energy, irritation) rather than emotional ones (e.g. boredom, sadness, stress). Doing so will give you the freedom to fuel your body with curiosity and self-compassion, not guilt or shame.
On that note, intuitive eating is also about developing healthy ways to deal with emotions so that one’s relationship with food can feel uncomplicated and nourishing. That’s why this approach encourages joyful movement, which means moving your body because it feels good and makes you happy, not because you want to punish yourself or move with the intention of body modification.
You might be wondering, If I let my child eat whatever they want, won’t they just go straight for all the sugary stuff? It’s true — when kids are given new freedom around food, they might initially go all in on those options. That’s a natural part of the process. But over time, as they have more consistent access and begin to tune into their own hunger, fullness, and energy cues, their bodies will start to crave a wider variety of foods — including the ones that feel more nourishing and sustaining.
Helping your child become an intuitive eater may require you to examine your own beliefs and behaviors around food, and maybe even seek professional help, which is totally okay! You’re not immune to all of those societal pressures we talked about, so it’s not your fault if this is the first time you’re realizing that your relationship with food and your body can use some TLC.
Here are some ways that the entire family can practice intuitive eating at home:
Eat with few distractions. It can be hard to notice how hungry or full you are when eating while watching TV or driving to soccer practice. Encourage your child to sit at the table or avoid multitasking while eating so they can better notice and respond to their body’s cues. This is especially important early on in their intuitive eating journey.
Practice food neutrality. Labeling foods as good or bad is not a productive way to get your kid to maintain a well-balanced and nutritious diet. Making peace with food will give your child permission to explore new foods and actually feel satisfied after meals. It also reduces cravings because the child won’t feel that there is a scarcity around certain foods, and therefore won’t feel the need to eat as much of it as possible while it’s available.
Don’t limit foods. Banning, hiding, or restricting certain foods at home can lead to binge eating and guilt when your kid inevitably eats them. After all, we all want more of what we can’t have! Grocery shopping and eating with a “no limits” mindset can shift the focus from how those foods will make you look to how they’ll make you feel.
The bottom line:
It can be really, really hard to realize your child believes they need to engage in disordered eating just to look or feel a certain way, and that your own behaviors might have contributed to that.
But let us be the first to tell you: IT DID NOT START WITH YOU, and by being here, reading this blog, you’re already taking the first steps to help your child feel better. If I had to guess, once upon a time, you were the child who wished your parents would’ve read an article like this.
You also don’t have to do it alone, and in fact it wouldn’t make sense to. If everyone knew what professionals do, then this article would be moot! Lean on experts for support, such as a primary care physician, licensed therapist, and/or registered dietician who specializes in disordered eating. Together, they can help your child explore and understand their emotional triggers, tune into their body’s cues, and meet their nutritional needs.
If you’re interested in booking a consultation with Danielle, she’s currently accepting new virtual and in-person clients! You can find her availability here.
In the meantime, there are tons of resources, including support groups, workshops, books, and podcasts, you can turn to for support — some of which you can find right here at EBT!
Check out these books that Danielle recommends:
1. Sick Enough: A Guide to the Medical Complications of Eating Disorders
2. Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach
3. Body Respect: What Conventional Health Books Get Wrong, Leave Out, and Just Plain Fail to Understand about Weight
4. How to Raise an Intuitive Eater: Raising the Next Generation with Food and Body Confidence
5. Mindful Eating: A Guide to Rediscovering a Healthy and Joyful Relationship with Food
